It seems like when i was married to the kids dad i wanted them to love him as much as me. There was no competition at all. But even now that they are grown i find myself wanting them to love me more. I find ways to justify it. I bite my tongue when they talk about their dad. They love him. That is a good thing, right? So why does it hurt so much when i feel like he gets more of their time and energy? I don't know. I know they love me, I am secure in that but selfishly i want it all. Now that i put words to it i feel very silly and shallow. But sometimes it is harder than others.
I never thought this day would come and so i was ill prepared. I am now officially on my own. My kids are grown and i am shopping for one. Just me. Funny thing, i went to Costco for groceries. I wasn't thinking, but as i began putting things in my cart i realized, wait... I can't eat all this. Usually life gives us changes gradually, we get more kids and buy more groceries, gradually. But this was so sudden and not gradual. I am buying for one, I don't need 4 pork roasts just because they are under 20 dollars. I don't need a whole watermelon, or extra large sea salt. I am adjusting, and re-thinking the food shopping experiences to come. Just one.. it is a sad day in many ways. I have raised my kids. They are on their own. I am on my own, and as tough as it could be at times being a single mom, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so glad i was so present in my kids life, it was worth any career sacrifice, or financial struggle. I love you Jenna, Davis and Danen, you have blessed my life in un imaginable ways.
Laurie Ann Hardie