I am an avid journaler.. have always loved getting thoughts on paper and out of my head. I have a journal for each of my kids, started when they were in their teens. I write in them a couple of times a year when something strikes me. Now I have a grand baby, so i started her journal when she was born. I was writing in a notebook and decided to get a "cute pink" journal for her. It seems like something i can give her besides things. My side of the story. How much her parents love her and how excited they were when she was born. How loved and cherished she is. Maybe when she is 30 or 50 it will mean something to her. As I was writing the book i got to thinking about my grandma, actually Great Grandma, she was a single parent. Imagine that back in the 1920's. I can't and wish she had a journal I could hav
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Holidays are always tough. Who will we spend time with? Who will spend time with me? Which parent gets the "prime" time? It is all so difficult for everyone. This is not what the holiday's are supposed to be about. They are about God, Gratitude and Family. It is the family part that gets convoluted. Last year I told my daughter "do what you want and i will be okay with it, i know you have four sets of parents and four sets of grandparents to see and choose between". I was happy with that choice, felt i was pretty evolved. The day came and i wasn't chosen, breathe, but the fathers were, breathe.... TOO hard. Suddenly i was hurt, mad jealous. My daughter said, oh mom, i thought you said it would be okay with you what ever we chose to do for the holiday's. Hmm.. yes i said that.. but i guess i didn't mean it. And so it goes, wanting to be the one chosen for the special times. I realized that i have to learn how to be honest about my feelings with out being demanding on my children's time. Allowing them the freedom to be adults and make their own traditions. I asked for some time this year... just a small block with all three and their families.. I asked didn't demand, so i will see who makes it and i will enjoy the day and be gracious, kind and Thankful oh and honest.
As single parents this is something we are all very familiar with. Getting our feelings hurt. When one parent is favored over another. When kids ((even adult children)) are trying to get the love of the parent that hasn’t been there for them, it is natural, but hurts so much. This week was a very tough emotional week. A new grand baby, the new family setting boundaries, the new grandma respecting them. Realizing the lack of communication, all the maneuvers to not hurting feelings that end up hurting more. Hurt feelings have become a fact of life. I am learning that it is what i do with them that will impact my relationships. First I feel them and cry. Then i realize what my kids have gone through because of the divorce and being raised in poverty by a single mom. ((Not an easy childhood)) Then i realize that they are amazing adults setting boundaries with the parent that can and will respect them and this is a good thing. There is always room for growth, learning and maybe conversations that will open more doors to a better relationship. Have your feelings been hurt? Go ahead and share this is a safe place... change the names to protect the innocent. Did i mention venting... thank you to my dear friends who let me vent and love me and my family unconditionally.
Callie Lynn Berry was born after a very short labor Saturday night at 8:26pm. It was love at first sight. I am so proud of Jenna and Michael they are already wonderful parents. When the family gathered at the hospital we were nothing more than a family, all the past, all the hurts, the divorce the disappointments all down the drain. Welcoming a new member of the family sort of makes me want to be my best self and rise above any pettiness. I wanted to be there, i wanted to be the first to hold her....I wanted to be the most important... but i soon let go of that and realized this little lady has a ton of people who will love and adore her and that is suddenly all that matters.
This is not the first and most likely not the last time my car has broken down. I still haven’t made that buffer in my budget for things like this .... but i am working on it. On the way to work my car started to overheat. I saw a garage and pulled in. He said ... leave it. I said how am i going to get to work...He said ..the bus stop is about a mile down the road. So in high heels i walked a mile to the bus. Got a call saying 750 dollars to repair. I called my girlfriend to see if i was getting “taken advantage of” and her husband said NO... That is about right and it is a hard job... in fact he said, "if you will have them do it instead of me i will pay for the repairs and you can pay me back when you can". Problem solved. The thing is that usually when i have a car breakdown or something that is going to cost me... i go to that place of “oh no” “what will i do?” “I don’t need this”. But i didn’t... i sat on the bus thinking... hmmm can’t wait to see how this all works out knowing that i couldn’t afford an expensive car repair. And it did work out. I have been working hard to think differently. To look for the adventure, the possibilities instead of assuming worst case scenario’s. I liked it. I don’t like having to be “bailed” out but i am so grateful for friends who always willingly come to my rescue.
Thanks John and Joy. School is out for many and the chaos of summer is about to unravel. What do you do with the kids in the summer when you are a single mom and have to work? Some mom’s have found ways to take the summer off of work. My aunt used to do that, and that was over 40 years ago. I was not so lucky. My saving grace was my office was less than a mile from home and i was able to do some of my work from home. Even so I struggled with guilt. Those were the times I would say aloud SARK’s quote “ You are enough, you have enough, you do enough” Sara Ariel Rainbow Kennedy. What have you worked out?
I traded in my awesome but clunky mic for a cool new Yeti.... I will begin reading the book on CD. Another step toward the goal.
It seems like when i was married to the kids dad i wanted them to love him as much as me. There was no competition at all. But even now that they are grown i find myself wanting them to love me more. I find ways to justify it. I bite my tongue when they talk about their dad. They love him. That is a good thing, right? So why does it hurt so much when i feel like he gets more of their time and energy? I don't know. I know they love me, I am secure in that but selfishly i want it all. Now that i put words to it i feel very silly and shallow. But sometimes it is harder than others.
I never thought this day would come and so i was ill prepared. I am now officially on my own. My kids are grown and i am shopping for one. Just me. Funny thing, i went to Costco for groceries. I wasn't thinking, but as i began putting things in my cart i realized, wait... I can't eat all this. Usually life gives us changes gradually, we get more kids and buy more groceries, gradually. But this was so sudden and not gradual. I am buying for one, I don't need 4 pork roasts just because they are under 20 dollars. I don't need a whole watermelon, or extra large sea salt. I am adjusting, and re-thinking the food shopping experiences to come. Just one.. it is a sad day in many ways. I have raised my kids. They are on their own. I am on my own, and as tough as it could be at times being a single mom, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so glad i was so present in my kids life, it was worth any career sacrifice, or financial struggle. I love you Jenna, Davis and Danen, you have blessed my life in un imaginable ways.
I used to say life gets in the way. And it did. But now life is happening. All the dreams i had on the back burner while life was getting in the way. Are now coming true. I am so glad that i stayed with my goal of being the best mom I could be. I am grateful that I had that time with my kids and didn't let my career get in the way... because i got to do it all. It took some time for my dreams to manifest but it is underway....
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AuthorLaurie Ann Hardie Archives
July 2015
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